I had a dream that chipotle was out of burritos... Was more like a nightmare.. Gotta go make sure it wasn't real now
is it bad that listening to the rabbi's wife talk about how we should only be with one person is making me really, really horny for no string attached sex
Nothing is more important than the last pool party of the season. Call in sick or gay or something.
A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
Woah there. I lasted a semester and a fourth of college not having sex. trust me when i say keeping my virginity was an obstacle course of olympic proportions.
The virgin olympics. I would win the gold. For America.
There was an Altoids can full of urine in the bathroom. I do not want to know what was going on in there.
Some kid just popped open a giant PBR and walked into his final...
It's okay I missed my booty call by two whole minutes so I decided to delete him from my phone and then re-add him as "I am a douchelord"
she keeps a switchblade in her panty drawer... i am both terrified and slightly turned on
i just got referred to as "the Loch Ness Cockster". God bless my Scottish heritage.
You rolled onto your side and told me 'this is the recovery position'. That was after you were stoned. You've done this way too much.
So when he asked me to go on a date tonight, I didn't think the words "have you tried a suppository" would be part of the evening.
you were so high you asked for half double stack and half crispy chicken sandwich "welded together" in the wendy's drive through
Smoking weed with a blind guy, don't worry he's chill.
I flashed my boobs, shit my pants, and kissed the wrong twin. I'm on a roll you don't want in on.
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