I'm so hungover And my mouth is so dry it feels like my tongue is wearing a sweater
I just saw a midget ride by on a scooter...wearing a bowtie and a helmet. My life is complete.
totally got the gold medal for the best fence jump when the cops came.
and he says: but we did find out that your ovaries have never released eggs. first thing out of my mouth: so i didnt really need to take the morning after pill so many times in college?
not the response he usually gets im sure.
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She punched my vomit. In midair. Back into my mouth.
Well he's in a two year college so technically hes a senior. At least can we just pretend I'm not robbing the cradle.
Can you tell me how this chicken finger got in my pillow case?
Also, we just got yelled at by a cop for being awesome...or making out in a fountain. Whatever.
I feel like a food baby is going to burst from my stomach and eat all the leftovers until another food baby rips out of its stomach. And so on. It's truly a merry Christmas.
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I'll be really easy to find... I'm the naked one rolling around in cats.
I'd like to stay optimistic, but I have this nagging suspicion my penis is in for a disappointing holiday weekend.
I was kind of torn between "Wow, this is awkward," and "Wow, my therapist is hung."
I woke up this morning with a pop tart under my pillow with one bite eaten. Another pop tart was in the floor. No recollection whatsoever. I ate the one under my pillow for breakfast, though.
Oh, I also stabbed a guy Friday and he still asked me out
How do I send someone an apology text for giving them a lap dance in the middle of a party last night?
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