Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
you know you've been playing too much mario kart when you see a curve in the road ahead and see yourself drifting around it
and then he said that some chick told him he danced like an epileptic on crystal meth. he then proceeded to demonstrate this statement, which i can testify is 100% accurate.
Goddamn it, are you fucking her sister?
did you know it's going to storm tonight?
You bitch. At least tell Laura she's a better kisser.
Midgets have it so easy. They have so much less leg area to shave.
Last night I got a napkin with 4 names & numbers: Katie, Ellen, Kylie...and Brandon.
Just watched my manager erase "we've been 2 days wo an accident" and change it to "0" these ppl are too high.
I am too drunk to make real decisions. I had pop rocks all over my ass earlier. This is not a joke.
I remember tearing his shower curtain down but I don't remember trying to shave my vag...
Sitting in airport bathroom. Guy walks into toilet next to me and announces "I want to apologize to the entire airport for what I'm about to do"
There's a bus with a band full of dancing women in bras. I think I like it here.
oh I'm washing fake blood out of my bra.
I NEED to hang out with you more
I didn't want him to hear me sneaking in. The doggie door was the perfect solution.
not being a booty call is very strange. Who knew there was so much time for activities at night!
why is there a porcupine in the kitchen
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