Running into every girl no one would hook up with here at rick's. Typical.
is it wrong that I prefer my women with low self esteem and a smidgen of an eating disorder?
Bad news: I had to be at work at 7:15. Good news: no one had used the bathroom yet so I got to defile a freshly cleaned stall
they made me velveta mac and cheese and fish. I wanna stay here the rest of my life
Forgot that I saved my paper as "Eat Shit Edwards" and e-mailed it because I missed class. I'm sure Prof. Edwards will be delighted when she gets it. I don't anticipate a passing grade.
The pick up line I used was "Grab my sack, you'll be back." Then I winked at her.
I am getting my wife a tattoo just above her butthole that says, "For entry just add tequila."
If I had KNOWN you and mom were coming to visit, I wouldn't have passed out in the frat. This is why I hate surprises.
Dude. The walls are totally staring at me right now. I told you this was a bad idea.
You kept saying,"there's a seahorse in my stomach, who's trying escape". This was after the curtains attacked you.
To the genius that put everclear in my humidifier: your time is coming.
Some people say 6pm is too early to get drunk. To them I say this dinner is delicious.
Some guy just ate one of the dog treats. I have him a free beer. I love my job.
Maverick's sitting in jail wearing a turkey costume and I am soooo jealous.
I just volunteered myself to get tazed this should get interesting
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