i woke up with someone drivers licenses in my wallet this am...he said i don't have a business card so just take my drivers license
When I came home you were watching infomercials, eating croutons out of the box and salsa from a funnel. Well done.
his dad told me thanks for making his little boy a man at breakfast this morning
Night out in new white coat = success. Offered free breast exams all night, two took me up on it, woke up with one. I love medical school!!!
Pregnancy scare over. Let the cockfest begin.
Kate gave me a 3 day old cup of tequila last night and forced me to chug it. P.s. i drew u a picture
I believe its time to stop celebrating Thanksgiving. I've been drunk for over a week. If my liver doesn't give out, and I'm not pregnant I will truly have something to be thankful for.
He says he won't get serious until he screws an Asian and a virgin. I should just place an ad on Craig's List
Wanted: female 18-24 of Asian or partial Asian descent to fuck my ginger boyfriend. Must be willing and able to fake virginity. No emotional connection needed, just sex, just once. Further contact post sex not needed (or particularly desired)
And to top it off I think that was the first time in history that anyone has used "oh just taking care of her grandmother and doing porn" in the same sentence.
I'm sitting on the floor singing Bruno mars while they cook and occasionally pet me
On a side note...my DUI lawyer just snapchatted me. This is the exact moment in time when I realized my like IS a joke.
He's a fucking asshole. Who gives good head. And seriously I have never seen someone less committed to hair color
To be honest, waking up to 20 naked people in my house was not the weirdest thing to happen to me in the past 24 hours
Holy fuck where did this cat tattoo on my ass come from
I smell Vodka. It's me. If anyone asks it's totally hand sanitizer.
Randomize
