My favorite part of the day is the 2 seconds of ignorance you have when you first wake up. Right before you remember where your mouth was last night.
Just went through ex bf's and hook up buddys and liked pictures of them on facebook. A friendly reminder that I will be back in for the holidays
My dealer's mom died on christmas eve. Is it too soon to see if he's holding?
We literally played a game called pass the child which consisted of us shitfaced tossing the 5 year old birthday boy at each other
About six hours after the bottle of smirnoff, I was googling "losing your stomach lining" and calling my mom for help. She has experience.
The sorority chicks were the Persian army, and we were their 300 Spartans. Can barely stand up now...such a good ratio
I just tried on my "outfit" for tonight and I should just wear sweatpants and a sign on my face that says I like it in the ass. That would be more comfortable
I literally paid cover, got kicked out. Tried to explain that I was just clumsy, but mispronounced it. Then I got pissed off, stormed out..and clotheslined myself on a velvet rope. How was your night?
Adults smoke weed in footie pajamas man. You just gotta accept me for who I am.
I now have a bottom rung on my kissing scale. Like I can say "Well. On a scale of Matt to Braxton he was probably a Zach." It's the little things.
They sleep with other people as long as there is no oral. Logic and reason were thrown out the window a long time ago with them.
He was like, I wanna take it slow. I took off my bra And I was like, either we have sex now or you get out.
Anybody can graduate from college sober. You try it while being stoned every day for the last three years. 2.75 baby.
That's because I've spent the past 21 years convincing my parents the only emotions I have are sarcasm and bitterness.
i am risking my non lesbian vagina for your needs. i better be the best friend you ever had
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