somebody snuck up and got me drunk
Just found a copy of intimate toy times in my mom's trash can...
The men handing out bibles on the quad are blatantly skipping me... am i that obvious
Lots of explosions. Minor nudity. Full penetration and lots of tuxedos.
just balanced a champagne glass on my gut. thanks to beer im a living breathing tempur-pedic mattress.
We must be getting old. All of our friends are having kids and they aren't illegitimate.
I love him. He's like the father I never had that I kind of want to fuck.
I just wanted to give you a heads up. There's a crab in the kitchen. He doesn't have a name yet. We are just calling him crab for now. Oh! and we have memosas!
If anyone from work finds out about us I will rip your dick off, sew it to your forehead and feed your balls to you like little grapes
Kid sitting next to me smells like he slept in a dutch oven full of farts. Going to die.
I'm serious. My alarm label is "BAR TABS" as motivation for me to wake up in the morning and go to work.
I WAS JUST SITTING HERE BEING SNIFFED BY ODD WOMEN FOR A SOLID 5 MINUTES. My face was a twist of utter fear and confusion...
just saw a kid get pissed on buy a tiger at the zoo. His dad is rofling and the kid is crying. I think I have to go make a new friend
Turns out that Irishman put my panties under his pillow afterward. Thanks?
FINE. BE CELIBATE AND ACCUMULATE CATS. SEE IF I CARE.
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