Bro, I met the coolest hottest chick tonight and she has the hottest friends.
Where are you?
Strip Club
I think she's a little more wasted than usual. She just crawled on the floor to tell mom it was time to take a shot.
she wants to wait til the kids are asleep so im just shotgunning the parents beers in the pillow fort. I love fucking babysitters
No it was the best sex I've had in months. Nothing turns me on more than getting rid of a boyfriend.
I woke up and watched my kitten suck on his nipple. Way too hungover to intervene. He thought it was me, so he just giggled and mumbled "mmm girl."
Seriously? God I hope he wasn't lactating.
......... Poor kitty
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
Thanks for your number, i want to ski with you, do party with you and sleep with you. Lucas.
He's just sitting there staring at my sisters teddy bear hoping it will come to life.
Question: trumpet bong. Can it work.
We were sitting outside of the building and he literally just walked up with no pants on. This is the best college ever
He talked for 3 hours straight on how his dad is a dentist how fuck do you think my night was
Sometimes i think i need to stop drinking because i can't afford losing so many panties anymore
My roommate is fucking his gf in the shower and i really have to pee do i just bust in or pee on his bed
I let my daughters ex boyfriend take me home from the bar. Hey, at least he's old enough to drink
Nothing much. Just taking shots of tequila before I go get a bikkini wax. You?
Randomize
