i got iced as i was inside of her. i fucking hate my friends
There are 3 pics of me on my camera, naked, wearing only an apron, scooping ice cream.
Omg calling you in 10 to update you on who I peed on last night
in my defence, i did try to get you to put your shirt back on, then you screamed at me to stop telling you what to do
If you feel like laying around and watching a movie, that's where I'll be for the next several hours not moving, blaming others, and generally feeling sorry for myself.
Dude. I'm busy doing PR for America. FOR AMERICA. Europeans think we can't handle liquor.
I renamed his cat Jeff last night. Well I spray painted it on him.
The best part about drinking boxed wine is you can blow up the bag and use it as a pillow
she genuinely believed that kangaroos are a cross between a deer and a T-rex
My exam ends at 4pm so I plan to be passed out in the bar by 5pm. Want to join me?
That moment when your mom is so drunk she makes you get out of bed to lay in her bed because she thinks it feels like sleeping on a marshmallow peep....
I wore grinch underwear to my well woman exam this morning and I feel like I adulted successfully today.
The boob job was worth every penny just to see the expression of pure joy on his face the first time he saw them.
One lone grasshopper in the whataburger bathroom. Don't know how it got there. Scared the fuck out of me. Also puked over the side of the silverado fence. The horses looked disappointed. Animal magnetism is beautiful. You taught me well. I love you.
Answered a bio test question bc of watching phineas and ferb. Remind me to always drink when studying.
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