remind me next year to leave the 19 year old girl at home when you're going to pride. total cock block
my phone cant type all the emotion im having
Seriously.......what do you have to do to get arrested in Vegas???
Hes still mad that I left the room mid-hookup to go get a pickle from the fridge.
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
i am willing to donate my body to this science experiment when it means free blowjobs
I love how four vibrators are within reach of me right now, but not a single hair brush or comb
What part of don't open in front of your kids didn't you understand? Astroglide, magnums, fuzzy handcuffs and a blindfold are going to be hard to explain as friends presents.
I'm sitting at dinner with my family looking over sexts. The thirst is far too real. They're talking about retail and I'm like haha, yes, you are all correct.
He was lasting forever and I couldn't take it so I faked an asthma attack
the fact that I always have. bottle of tequila in my purse is not helping my current sitch
YOUR VAGINA IS SO CUTE IT'S LIKE A LITTLE MACAROON
Here when you come to your senses come back here and I'll fuck you back out of them.
He is farting the alphabet right now. In the goddamned restaurant. You don't get to recommend men anymore. Or restaurants for that matter.
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