Sometimes when I whip my dick out it looks REAL impressive. This, was NOT one of those times.
I just used my 2 drink stirrers as chopsticks to get a lime out of my drink. I really am Asian.
the fact that i fell through a skylight is the least humiliating part of the night
Well someone has to be the Christmas slut at the family dinner. I suppose it's my year to fill those shoes.
i draw the line when you ask for directions at a place you're already at.
I ended up with bruises on the back of my knees. Tell me again how I did this?
Pretty sure I'm about to get another tattoo. It'll have mom in there somewhere for Mother's Day.
That sounds worse than that time you thought out an entire story of how big bird would kill you
Being responsible doesn't make memories.
Life goal: sit on his perfect beautiful David Archuleta-lookalike face
You know that thing where you wouldn't typically eat ass but you're in love with him so you want to eat his ass, because it's HIS ass
Sometimes I look at dogs and just thing about how it's weird we both came from wolves
Lay off the drugs kid
I almost just opened my door to get my pizza butt ass naked
I'd rather explain to the cops why I'm naked than why I'm drunk.
Her blowjob technique? Picture someone attempting to drink a triple thick milkshake through a Capri Sun straw.
Randomize