I think I'm in Tiajuana
You are not in Tijuana. I saw you an hour ago
I could be
I mean roof. it goes up. its important day. you should recongziw it.
You're drunk. Make complete sentences.
It's not luke its my birthday or anything. Mike, understand.
i just looked at my contacts and realized i saved the pizza hut girl's number as "fckucin pizza" the other night.
it was a sick party until you insisted on putting on "that's how I beat shaq"
in the morning i found her name, number and address on one of the empty pizza boxes. also said "ps. if you find my shoes please mail to me."
Are you still giving blowjobs?
Who is this?
only in a texas roadhouse would someone whistle while I was breastfeeding.
looking at my texts from you makes me want to throw up in my pants
I just masturbated to a Jock Jams cd. What have you done today?
It was a taxi full of fist pumps and chanting to "face down, ass up". It was that 1% that makes my job worth it.
So how was the sex with me last night?
No worse than usual.
So I'm getting really old. I feel asleep for a booty call that I initiated. The struggle is real.
If you ever "miss" working, I'm going to fist you with my hulk hands. BOTH of them.
My dad called me in the middle of the night, drunk on vodka, asking for references on the Irish alphabet.
HE'S FUCKING 19 YEARS OLD, HE CAN'T EVEN GET INTO A BAR WITH ME, WHAT MAKES YOU THINK I'LL LET HIM IN MY PANTS?!
Randomize
