how's this sound. You, me a box of pink franzia and a night full of possibilities in your basemen. I'll be me. You be you. And we'll see where it goes
This is why I'm not putting my name in lights over your bed.
I made him ride the giant pony statue in my friends little sisters room before i let him get in the bed.
U were yelling that I wasn't generous or supportive. Then you kneeled and said this weird prayer about the windows and doors of your life.
Tried to land my foot on his shoulder and kicked him in the face. Then I fell into a homeless man's bike and posed with a buffalo head. How was your night?
I'm starting to think that birthday sex is just an urban legend. Like the boogey man, and woman orgasms.
I fully committed to my astronaut costume, to say the least. blacking out on moonshine and having a moonwalk of shame this morning: happy Halloweekend.
If I get one more "oh yaaaaa he changed your oil" texts, I'm gonna lose my shit
I had sex in the back of a hot foreign guy with a lacoste eye patch's car
My phone has started autocorrecting "monogamy" to "monogamish"
If my body were a person, it would be beating the shit out of me for what I did to it last night.
I must be really high or they really did just bring me a banana split instead of a burger
You will be reminded everyday when you witness my majestic mustache.
I'm sitting in the car vaping at an elementary school to try and deal with the stress of existing. About how i thought being 30 would go for me tbh
Why did I wake up with a half-eaten burrito and a vaccuum cleaner in my bed? ...on top of me.
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