remember about an hour ago when i told you i was never drinking again? i may or may not be mixing malibu with caprisun. just saying.
If I've learned one thing today? Blow jobs get you to state championships.
Alright. Who did it? Who's bangin' the ump?
just learned how to wash a penis. thank you nursing school for getting me the most action i've had in months.
update: last drink of the night and im naked in my porch hammock. life is good.
Put cigar in mouth backwards. Plz remind to check for scar in morning, can't feel it now. Screwdrivers are like morphine.
Well he has that kind of carefree attitude that comes from a big penis
I'm on my fifth cocktail in twenty minutes. I don't think I will end this on two legs.
tell me why they applauded then the bartender locked himself in the bathroom when i walked into the bar today ????
We decided this year instead of not participating in Halloween at all we are going to hand out free beers to the parents.
IT IS CHRISTMAS EVE AND I AM SUPPOSED TO BE HAVING SEX WITH AN ATTRACTIVE BLACK MAN IN THE NEXT FEW DAYS AND I JUST GOT MY PERIOD. WHEN PEOPLE ASK ME WHY I DON'T BELIEVE IN GOD I WILL TELL THEM OF THIS DAY.
I distinctly remember telling him "I'll suck your dick while you eat pizza"
MY TITS ARE PERFECTLY CALM.
so in case you needed a ticket for the Hot Mess Express, I'm the conductor now.
...I just added shower water to my vodka on ice\n#sendhelp
I should have known it wouldn’t work. Someone saved in her phone as “Subway Sex” called the week before the wedding
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