i bought another $5 worth of vodka. with change. i look like a homeless alcoholic. i need your dino cups or else i'll be forced to make a giant jello bowl shot
Woke up next to a half eaten California burrito. It was tucked in.
Had a student tell me he misses the old Four Loko. He's in 7th grade. No one is allowed to claim I started drinking too young ever again.
I am three bowls, two beers, and a muscle relaxer into babysitting. What are you doing.
It's like a puppy that we have to take care of at all times or else she'll get sad, lonely, and chew on the furniture. And by 'chew on the furniture', I mean have anonymous sex.
My phone autocorrected your name to "grownup." that couldn't be more inaccurate. I'm getting a new phone.
I hoped the great care he put into rolling a blunt would translate to my vagina.
A stripper just invited me to her daughter's birthday. Where did my life go wrong?
What does it say about my expectations if I'm pounding three beers the hour before a date?
And he came by and picked me up. We cuddled in his car then had sex until... an officer doing his rounds put a spotlight on crazy haired, naked me straddling him.
Like he was inside me when I made eye contact with a police man.
Apparently nothing brings out sympathy in a barista like asking if they have a hangover special
You were drunk at 5 You went to the dining hall and cried because your brain and fingers weren't working. Your RA came up to you and suddenly you became sober. I was very proud of you.
I am literally watching TV with sunglasses on because the brightness hurts my hangover
He was so traumatized by the It's a small world ride but he immediately pulled out a flask from god-knows-where and got drunk before the ride was over. The ride operator didn't blame him.
No. I don't like you. I like your penis. Chin up. At least I like part of you.
Randomize
