That's the last time I fill my pockets with sushi.
he looked like jesus. just the kind of jesus i would have sex with.
the non-midget kid sent 8,000 texts in a month. the midget parents are pissed. THIS IS EPIC WHEN YOUR HIGH.
btw, i had a dream i drank 260-proof vodka last night. thank god that doesn't exist in real life.
You tried to poop in the sink last night.
Saturday dinner is funfetti cake and merlot. Singlehood has come to this.
thanks for at least making it out of the pool before you threw up
Now you know for the next time you go in the basement to wear a helmet
She drove all the way from Austin to have sex with me. I think it's a safe assumption my dick will have an easy life in college.
I'm spending tomorrow doing taxes and making jello shots. Is this adulthood?
I'm going through what feels like a break up with beer. I'm emotionally distraught from it's lack of presence.
Sorry it's taking so long, it's harder to take an ass pic with an iPad than you think
You're the best thing in my life, followed closely by cannabis and trashy romance novels
Let's say we can see the evolution of our "relation" by his name in my phone. Pizza slice emoticone. Pizza guy. Jordan. Jo. Jackhammer Pizza Guy. Jockhammer pizza guy.
If I get really high and watch Beauty and The Beast on our Netflx account, will you judge me?
Only if you start before I get home!
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