Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
well as your friend its only fair to offer my cock for your services. Cause I care.
He just referred to himself as a sharp shooter. I had sex with that.
Cancel that soberness update. I just almost fell down in the security line
Why is there bacon braided in my hair
Oh wow. Was walking and just saw her in the pool, fully clothed, ranting on an alligator float. I guess i should go get her before security gets here.
I've never been so embarrassed. It's like waking up as Fred Durst.
She's like a connoisseur of porn. Her collection has things in it I never even knew existed. She even has an Italian batman porno. Where has she been all my life?
You had a hot dog outside the bar then made me stop at McDonald's for a double quarter pounder. I'd say you've more than filled your drunken meat quota.
Don't pretend you don't want to dance on the edge of overdose all three nights
I was trying to drink every time they said planned parenthood but my body isn't cut out for this.
Stories. There's stories.
MEGHAN YOU'VE BEEN THERE FOR 20 MINUTES
Refresh my memory....were we forced to leave or did we choose to leave?
I sent him a blank text because I didn't want to "drunk text" him.
I had more orgasms than hours of sleep this weekend. I’m going to keep him around a while
Randomize
