i just defriended some girl because according to her status she "doesn't give a fuck about shark week."
I have no memory of puking on someone. Was he cute?
Drinking mikes hard & watching the swan princess. i fucking LOVE college
sperm doesn't mix with malibu too well
The more I look at him the more I wonder why anyone would ever want any of his features to be a part of their childs face.
I use him for alcohol and he uses me for sex. This is the closest thing to love i could imagine
Ssssssssssshhhhhhhhhhhiiiiiiii!iiiiiiiiiitttttttttttttttssssssssssssshhhhhhhhooooooooowwwwwww. Letters for emphaSSIIISISEEEE!
I woke up and he used my makeup to write "hope you don't get pregnant" on my mirror before he left
I just conducted a skype meeting drunk and in the middle of a cornfield. I don't even think they noticed.
He's not actually Jewish. Turns out he just wears the yarmulke to cover his bald spot.
Ok here's the state of the situation: We're alone in a strange city with strange people with nothing but alcohol and sprite, I think we're gonna make it.
I can't believe I ever hated her sister or friends. They got her some sexy sexy ass lingerie for the honeymoon. I think I love them bitches
If my neighbors have super loud sex again tonight, I'm going to leave a ball-gag and roll of duct tape in their mail slot.
A dozen fresh-baked cookies delivered to my dorm AND I don't have chlamydia or gonorrhea... Could this night get any better??
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
