How many nights a week you wake up with sticky boxers cause you were dreaming of Clay Aiken? Your wife mad?
She described it as "a squirrel being hit by a hurricane"
well after this past weeked you can expect to see me on maury playing a little game called "who's the father"
My head is pounding and I need an ice pack for my vag. Successful friendsgiving!
She called to say her plane was running late and i had 30minutes to get to the airport for bathroom sex
I'm eating hummus off of my stomach right now.
I knew it was going to be a good night when my mom said "Have fun, be safe...wait, do you need any weed for tonight?"
I'm now having weird sexual fantasies about that riverdancing figure skater. So thanks for that.
I told him that I wanted his dick like I wanted a jumbo hot dog. There something wrong with my priorities
I was like, booze is the closest thing I have to a father. Don't pour daddy down the sink
Did you leave ur panties in the sink?
Kitchen or bathroom?
But like now I know, men who are vegetarians are significantly worse in bed.
From the bottom of my heart, thanks for never sending me unsolicited dick picks.
So if my boyfriend and I hooked up with the same girl it’s not like I cheated. It’s communal.
the girl who hid my weed when the cops came has a birthday coming up. i feel like i should get her something.
Randomize
