Worst sexual experience IN MY LIFE. And now i know why it makes jesus cry.
Seriously dude, you need to stop beating off to the ellen show, it's just weird.
I just threw up, I'm either bulemic or pregnant, and I'm now accepting bets on which it is
Seriously just heard: "we need some good ass wine. how bout this swa-vig-non blank"
hahahaha. Oh virginia: where the south begins
I got kicked out of a mexican restaurant last night for being too drunk. This is getting dangerously close to rock bottom
Unemployment check just came in. As soon as I stop pretending I have morals I'm buying weed. Puff puff pass uncle sam.
My chiropractor just high fived me for getting drunk enough to throw my back out this weekend.. Life. Complete.
as he was fingering me, all I was thinking about was how lucky his girlfriend is...
I just crashed on my couch and have no intention of ever getting up again
I will be over with a bedpan and beer
Strip clubs just aren't as fun when a man tries to drunkenly grind on you.
Does it qualify as sexting if you're both pretending to be fictional characters?
I'm not sure whether to be proud of you or weirded out.
A dry HJ only, please. I don't deserve the comforts of lube after my horrendous fantasy football performance
If I win the lottery I'm going to hire someone to skywrite "FUCKTARD" over his house. That much anger.
He brought me flowers and then spanked me with a Doctor Who paddle. Pretty good night, as these things go.
Awwwwwww!
I was trying to be good but he showed up with dinner and wine and I exploded. Like a bomb. A dirty, sexy bomb
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