I gave my ex the dutch oven last night. How was your night?
her facebook pictures are like a timeline of all the guys she's screwed.
I mean, we do coke and have sex occasionally...I wouldn't call that a relationship.
Shes sitting on the front porch puking in to the pumpkin she just carved...in the rain. I guess pumpkin spice tequila shots wasnt our best idea.
Is it 3pm? Or am I losing my mind because it's pickled in vodka and diet coke?
No The bastards made me buy a new one, They don't cover water damage an apparently they consider salsa water damage
Let me put it this way - if I had a list of things I would like between my legs, she would rank below the cello I turned into firewood sophomore year.
Also, I've found a new way to get drunk at work for free. Everytime I make a bushwhacker and there's extra... I put it in a cup. Its the Never ending drink.
If my mom's not going to offer me drugs then it's really pointless for me to be here.
Okay... I just said "preach it" to the pokemon theme song. I'm hammered.
Well, let's just say, I got that eye patch like we were joking about
Let's FaceTime each other while we shotgun beers
Our friendship just got weirder. He snapchated me the porn he was watching.
whenever i get involved w someone i'm gonna give you their number to testify to the fact that they should not fall in love with me
If you find me in the bathroom in a fetal position, licking frozen bacon .. I might have Drank a little too much.
Randomize
