After watching Cinemax for a few months, real porn just grosses me out.
I hate when people I sell to add me on Facebook. I'm your dealer, not your friend, C'mon people.
The tent neighbors already set us on fire w an errant roach. How do you think Bonnaroo's going?!
The gyno asked how many partners i've had... I said ummmm she goes ok then i'll just put down ten.
On second thought, trying to signify she was a butter face by wiping my bagel on her cheek may not have been in my best of interests
John stretched a condom over his face and tried to puke in it.
Is there a law against that?
Nope not at all. Just morals. But fuck it, this is college, not real life.
Ed's in which sucks about a thousand cocks... But thats 1800 less than working with Alex so it's gonna be a good day
Because I can't get laid, I'm day-drinking and hunting squirrels in the backyard. You can take the girl out of Montana...
Mike found the condom wrapper on the washing machine and looked at me and said "Magnum? NICE girl. Get that nut!" then proceeded to puke in a cup
So apparently blacked out me judges a man based on what type of dinosaur he would be...
If the world ends and i have no vodka please just kill me.
In what world does 'I'm awake' at 2:30 in the morning on a wednesday translate to 'let's fuck' in the span of one text? Where has the romance gone?
Grandma cant send me 4 lbs of gummi bears and expect me not to soak them in some sort of alcohol
I’ve wanted to home wreck him since their wedding. It was a dream come true
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