i told her that i loved her pillow breasts and then she asked me if i wanted to motor boat them. so yea, i do need the room tonite.
We're the kind of people who ruin family vacations
Some kid just walked into class with his schedlue written on a keystone box.
In hindsight buying the pill crusher with my vicodin prescription might have been too much.
you know you made out with my sister while holding Ur girlfriends hand while she was puking in the toilet right
We got kicked out after you decided to chase your shot using the soda gun behind the bar.
Priorities: waking up on your doorstep desperately clutching half a meatball marinara but with no sign of your keys, purse or housemate. Where are you?!
I have a kicked-out-of-multiple-bars level hangover today
Fyi your toilet is not contaminated. We'd have to scissor pretty hard to pass what I got.
Reasonably certain my seventh grade teacher is encouraging me to drop acid on twitter
you ever just feel like an organ is failing?
He's a 30 yr old man who voluntarily goes by Stevie and his job title is "Jumbotron Operator". There's a 97.5% chance he lives in his mom's basement. STOP THIS NOW!!!
I think I had Hypothermia but was too drunk to notice.
You know what...ii have the turtles...were together....i love these god damn turtles...
So. My mom went grocery shopping for me while I was at work & brought the food here. Cool bc my dildo was laying on the counter. Forgot I left it out. I am sure she saw. Im mortified.
Randomize
