No matter how fun it seemed the night before you will always regret taking those pictures, you will always regret eating as much as you did, but you will never regret the great lengths you had to got to get those bruises.
i just woke up at 8pm naked in my bed, with a fresh haircut. I wonder what barber i went to.
so i made out with some dude last night at the bar. and some girl just stood there and watched. i felt bad so i made out with her too. She looked like she felt left out.
I gotta stop tellin complete strangers at the bar that they're the godparents to my first born
1. They have gold fish races every wednesday. 2. They have a redbull vodka slushie. We need to visit this place.
1. My fish will beat your fish. 2. Were getting fucked up
Ita all starting to make sense i need vodka like i need air
Me, him and the recently stolen carpet walked down the road and into the strip club. We had to check the carpet with our coats, it didn't mind missing out too much, later the door guy at Subway held carpet during late night sandwich selection.
There is nothing wrong with watching parks and rec all day then getting blackout drunk by night
Anyway, all that to say that tiny penises are a hassle.
Need a Dr's note to excuse me from blowjobs for 3-6 weeks while my jaw heals..
Your youporn search history says otherwise.
All my friends are getting married and I'm pole dancing in a tattoo shop. I don't know how I feel about this.
They spent thousands on one day. You made $76 in 30 minutes. You should feel great about that.
Does it look too obvious if I buy wine and candles!?! In my defense there is a gigantic snow storm coming.
What are you, a fucking toaster ?
Just try and act like you're sober
I can't I snorted an anti depressant and he's pouring me tequila shots
Randomize
