birth control and beer are two of the most beautiful creations ever invented.
Covered in glitter and dick. 2010 feels a lot like 2009.
It's impossible to flirt with the bank tellers because they see how broke I am.
When I came in she was screaming "boundaries!" at the cat because it was trying to eat her pizza rolls.
I want a nosebag of coke after my exam. Like what horses have. Coked up horses. No excuses. I love you.
shes taking the breakup well, i walked in on her naked passed out wearing a turban with a bag of peanut butter choc chips in hand at 5 in the afternoon.
you're good to come back. The bouncer pulled me aside and told me. He also said you have nothing to worry about and that you have an awesome "upper punch" or some shit
He said, "cum on daddy's dick!" ... I pictured my dad. That just scarred me for life.
I think my favorite day of the week is the day we get to fuck
it wasn't a total waste of time; I mean how often do you get to play scotch pong?
.....fair enough
Also if i get drunk and start crying about the elephants you all have my permission to abandon me.
You dropped my mother on the dance floor. She has a concussion. You didn't apologize. Don't speak to me for a while.
All she said to me before going to get another shot was "Damn, I'd eat her out."
You snapped me at 3am drunk laying on your floor asking if I knew how we couldn't have predicted the housing crisis.
Long story short I shit on a sidewalk while walking with multiple people. Then sprinted around the streets of Tallahassee in only gym shorts as I tore my toga off and wore it as a cape.
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