Nothing commands respect in a meeting like Jack Daniels on the breath. You're fine.
I didnt pay $190 for a fake with a new middle name of Vane..
Just met a girl...She is complaining why on facebook you can't have more then one "open relationship"
I dont know how i feel about her from a moral standpoint...
You yelled "sharpie war!" then jammed it in her ear
Confidence margaritas not a good idea. Just said foreskin in my presentation instead of foresight.
I didn't ask for a picture of your soft dick.
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
we came into the house to find you doing shots by your self and when we told you to stop you locked yourself in the bathroom...
did I at least say anything...
you meowed at us and said you're a cat and cats drink for a living
2 things: 1) can you get hep from toilet water? And 2) do you know where we can get a new skillet for cheap?
Please tell me those aren't related.
I made rice.
i fell into a bathtub last night and broke the fall with my forehead. my forehead is bruised
My boobs just got me out of my third ticket last night
i'm so proud. i woke up to nearly seven feet of basketball player in my bed this morning
you win. again.
I just did shots of fireball with my dad in a car wash. How's your pregaming going?
Idk you're asking me for advice on dating bro, after I told you I got a convicts number today.
I don't think it's ever a good night if I'm this hung over and I didn't even get an orgasm out of the deal...
Why is there a condom in my ukulele?
Randomize
