we put on a show in the hot tub for our boyfriends, then climbed out and both got down on our hands and knees and puked at the same time--still naked.
If I started a story with "That three-year-old totally deserved it," would you listen?
i don't care if its just a preseason game, my pick up a guy and suck him off in the bathroom skills are in midseason form
Did you know that if you hit someone in the head with a frozen loaf of bread you can knock them unconscious?
Dude, the chicks a procotolgy intern. Don't cheat on her. She knows where it hurts the most.
uh, 3 redbulls and 400mg of caffeine pills and i still feel like life is in slowmotion..lets not take tranquilizers again.
Fuck these runners passing me on campus as I'm waking to dinner. With my huggie. With flavored vodka and rum. Aka yum
Why is my hat full of peanuts?
Don't throw them out, I'm on my way
Just got tinder matched with my COMM TA. Game on.
I can only get day drunk because of my medicine now, so... There's that
First thing I find in the car I just pick up from my grandpa? A discount card for the strip club down the road from his apartment. The force is still strong.
Testing the emergency boobs hotline
If one more dude who finds out I'm a cop asks to see me in uniform I'm gonna become asexual
A sultry night of tacos and sex sounds nice. Should I bring home milk?
Boredom is so much more tolerable when you're stoned off your ass.
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