Yeah but my nose is so stuffed if I tried to give him head I'd suffocate
I woke up and we were making out. So the good news is that after two years off the market, I haven't lost a step. I'm picking up girls in my sleep now.
I finally won that bet on when the anorexic girl would pass out at the gym. You owe me 10 now
she played "i just wanna get married" by jagged edge while we were having sex. why cant i avoid stage 5 clingers
i drank out of a bidet.
All I did was present the dick. You did the work. That's like thanking the pencil for a test you got an A on.
EVERY guy that's EVER been in my vagina has texted me tonight for a booty call. Narrow it down to the greatest hits or just work in timeline order?
Bright side: maybe hell start being nice to you now that you know he has erectile dysfunction.
Well it was tamer than the 4th of july when I blew that guy I met walking home from the fireworks
I'm going for high school drunk, you've got 15 minutes to get here.
Are you 5:30 blackout again?
There I was, puking into the toilet, and he was rubbing my feet, buck naked. I feel like a drunk Disney princess.
He literally had a Trump sign in his front yard. I just can't now.
I’m lazy so obviously looking like a rotisserie chicken is my favourite position
So I was at my annual OBGYN appointment and when she saw the bruises on the inside of my thigh she asked if I had been horse back riding...I think my burst of laughter then awkward silence answered the question for me.
Randomize
