I may or may not have started my period at the bar. Good thing I have dark jeans on.
Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
why do guys feel they can ask questions when im blowing them? you'd think they'd know my answer will always be "mmhmhmhmmm"
This got awkward about two "Oh yeah"s ago.
I'm not a creep or anything, just a lost soul looking for a good lay
Still bad at ganbling. Still good at dringing.
No, pictures of your dick will not make me feel better about my grandmother having a brain tumor.
Think of this as an opportunity. Like Jesus just opened up his closet, and inside is an endless supply of huge, beautiful cock.
I just wanna get hammered somewhere crazy. Meet some chicks. Bang them and then go scuba diving.
Sexting Captain while emailing my eharmony match about my low key weekend is hard.
So you're mad that I let you go home with the guy with soft hands but yet you can't understand that I was just trying to help you
Hypothetically speaking, at what point does fire become too much fire?
Don't forget to bring $1s for the strippers. Make it rain!!!!
Thanks, mom, will do
I'm eating dinner with his parents and my phone goes "MOVE BITCH GET OUT THE WAY!" Thanks.
Coworker just walked in thirty minutes late reeking like weed and clutching a handful of scratch-off tickets. Also, there’s still a stripper pole in my office. Happy Wednesday!
Randomize
