also, made friends with this 75 year old millionaire Tony who likes to mosh. Don't ask.
you know whats awesome about this morning. A suprise visit from my dad at 7:30 am. There was a pair of heels on the lawn and a girl sleeping in just her underwear on the floor of my living room. He either thinks im a champion or a total fuck up. I'm thinking fuck up but im hoping champion.
First guy to fuck a girl in the new tool shed. Her underwear is on the shovel hook.
Just saw an Asian guy riding his razor scooter to class. Dreams do come true
the bottle said: caution extremely flammable. so that was my motivation.
I looked at you and you stared at me dead in the eyes then sprayed febreze at your crotch and winked.
You tried to sled down the middle of the street. In. Your. Coat. Of course you are bruised.
as much as i want to say no i cant cause i need the trophy wife training
we need to find an occasion to wear tutus
An hour ago, you were stranded out of state, and now you're getting laid? You are a god. Whatever you do, don't ask her name.
WHY IS MY CAR MISSING A DOOR YOU BITCH
budget cuts
YOU CANT BLAME EVERYTHING YOU DO WHILE DRUNK ON BUDGET CUTS
budget cuts are serious business
I was paranoid that someone would jizz in my hair while I had the cucumbers over my eyes. Super-High Spa Day didnt work out.
The worst part about being a grammar Nazi is all the porn I skip over because the titles are misspelled
If fixing it is ignoring it, and getting naked. Then yes we fixed it.
like, is this a date?? I'm sitting on his couch drinking a juice box while he makes taquitos in sweat pants
Randomize
