I lost of the blow last night. Found it later in my bag labeled Fairy Dust.
I just looked at my iPhone gps history... "the gas station", "the park with a big scary fence", "the trampoline", and, my favorite, "where we were when we were about to do lines off a bible".
i just overheard someone saying that they invented the 'tequila mockingbird' last night. sorry, but i found better friends
She said, "I don't really go out much, but my husband recently cheated on me" and I don't remember anything after that.
He thought I was flirting with him but really I just needed someone to hold me up.
And here i was gonna offer you a complimentary blowjob.
I said I was going to sleep an hour ago. Now I'm making plans to get high with the guy who mows your lawn.
We hit a golf ball off Brady's ass. His dignity flew away into the night.
THERE ARE SO MANY ALCOHOLS IN MY BLOOD RIGHT NOW
Of the three people getting wasted at this dance competition, im two of them
You haven't lived until you've snorted coke from a Pharaoh's hand baby
we went to go get waffles and then i sucked his dick in a parking lot. average tuesday.
Never start off a conversation with "speaking of STD's..."
Literally I woke up the other day and the girl part of me was like “GET CUFFED MOTHERFUCKER” and I went ham on tinder.
I am become drunk, destroyer of all worlds
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