The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
We're not too concerned with getting her out of jail. We're on a mission for donuts.
I can hear my liver begging me not to go out tonight
I wish I could go back in time 3 years and tell my freshman self how easy it is to hook up with freshmen
Is percocet and coffee considered a balanced breakfast?
I hear youre working today. To keep you entertained, ive compiled a list of condiments that my dick has NOT been slathered in since last Friday: Relish, and raspberry jam. That's right.
Just wait til you visit, there will be an endless supply of fresh dick for your demand #economics
IT IS CHRISTMAS EVE AND I AM SUPPOSED TO BE HAVING SEX WITH AN ATTRACTIVE BLACK MAN IN THE NEXT FEW DAYS AND I JUST GOT MY PERIOD. WHEN PEOPLE ASK ME WHY I DON'T BELIEVE IN GOD I WILL TELL THEM OF THIS DAY.
spending today hungover and untagging myself from all the pictures of me kissing girls so grandma doesnt have a heart attack. how was your new years?
God he's so convenient, drugs, an parties all in one person. He's like the Walmart of delinquency.
Because making bad decisions is what makes our house great and I don't plan on changing that anytime soon.
Question for you. Do you want to go out somewhere or do you want to have sloppy joes at my house? That's not a euphemism for anything; I actually have stuff to make sloppy joes
If this gives you any indication of my current state, I stopped at Meijer after work and bought funyuns, pregnancy tests and chocolate.
he high fived his dick after we had sex
you can't just call dibs on my vagina bro.
Randomize
