Just gargled Fireball to get the fish taco taste out of my mouth. Almost as good as gum.
The make-up sex just reminded me why we broke up in the first place.
I told her at least we still had each other. That's when she started crying.
i just found a cheeto on my floor and ate it. i might still be drunk.
But you wanna know what the sadest part is? I had to smoke on the way back home cause my mom would be suspicious if I wasn't high after I was supposedly hanging out with you.
Side note: THE ORIGINAL LION KING IS COMING THE MOVIES AGAIN--3D STYLE. We need to find shrooms.
Think of where it's been though. That Dr. Suess book, "Oh the Places You'll go" was written for his penis.
All of the sudden your world had become nothing but the sum of visible dicks. Welcome to life.
Dude, she gave me a handski that literally felt like she was starting a lawn mower...
Ok spinning in the opposite direction thatg the room was spinning was the worst advice ever
just because you have a nice tits it doesn't make you a magic little snowflake.
I was thrusting to the beat of Felix Navidad..
And you know what the worst part is? Because of him I can now relate to a goddamn Taylor Swift song. FUCK. MY. LIFE.
i just want to get drunk and cry and have sex with lots of men
Do thigh high boots and a ball gag count as a costume?
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