Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
what you doin?
I just woke up vomited poured myself a chocolate milk and turned on the peoples court. you?
reread what you just wrote and reconsider your entire life
wanna hang out tonight and remember it?
she was pretty happy for someone in the middle of a herpes outbreak, how was i supposed to know?
23 Roommates Share Secrets Their Roomie Thinks They Don’t Know
He just walked into my room in a robe with a cooking pot of cereal.
I can't come tonight. Someone took a shit in the dressing room. A.) Clean it up or B.) Kill myself. Text back with your answer.
Can you work for me at 4? We might have just taken some drugs we found in the couch and... end of story
WHY IS HE GONE WHEN I ACTUALLY HAVE THE AMOUT OF ESTROGEN TO HUMP A SQUIRREL?!?!
It's a little sad/awesome that I scored coke within 60 seconds of walking in the bar.
The student becomes the teacher.
29 Cringeworthy Situations People Realized They Shouldn’t Be In
Then she looked me straight in the eyes and asked me if I missed my foreskin. Weirdest conversation ever.
That Kevin guy is something else...His penis is fucking glorious. And he has a way with words. If he lived here I'd be the conductor of the fuck caboose. I mean literally I would never want to get off that thing.
I sent my roommate a text from MY phone that said, "I don't know where my phone is." Must've been a good night.
I still don't understand if he's using me to write his resume or if we're dating
We drove through Taco-Bell on our way to the ER
Something tells me tonight will end with me wearing my pants on my head again.