If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
you're single. I'm single. let's spend vday with the 3 most important men in our lives: ben, jerry, and josé
I've thrown up so many times in the third floor bathroom of Baldwin that they should probably just go ahead and name it after me.
Just got an email from TMobile. Said they were going to pursue "more qualified" candidates. So this is what rock bottom feels like.
It's only slutty when someone else does it. It's okay if it's us though
just watched the video of me leading you with a trail of french fries.
you better take a shot tonight for every cat you have ever seen and wanted. this is a lot of cats.
I'm doing the Macarena naked in my living room right now
I see you're taking unemployment seriously.
I'm going to teach Troy such valuable life lessons. Yesterday I told him to stay away from girls who drink redbull and vodkas.
Is it possible to break your brain with drugs?
Alls I wanted was a fun New Years but I end up fingering a geico sales representative on a futon and giving her a ride to work the next morning
would it be uncouth to smoke a joint during office hours
This is why you're my favorite TA
She said she wanted you to slurp her vagina like a spaghetti noodle.
You fell asleep standing up against the shower wall
I woke up naked in her room. More precisely, I woke up naked in her room with her and her sister laughing at my penis. I hate my life.
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