I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
I puked last after eating a volcano taco and drinking vodka. I felt like a fucking dragon.
all the sharp corners in my house are covered with litter foam blocks. al set for partying
you're acting like its my fault you're allergic to sperm or something.
i told you we never speak of that again
It smells like ranch
Must be all the white people
Yelling drunk tank or bust at a cop, not a good idea
That's terrible. At least give it a creative name like muff mobile.
Let's cut to the chase. What days are we sleeping together this week?
Just woke up and my doorbell is on my nightstand... the fuck?
HE IS COURTING ME WITH CHINESE FOOD AND IT IS WORKING.
I really hope you are not drunk feeding a raccoon.
But once you explained how to fill cupcakes with semen I realize you were harmless and right on my level.
I was angry that a college kid had a new Audi
so I peed on it
i bet he makes cat noises to excite himself.
The cop was standing next to me when I texted "haha" to your phone...didn't realize that he had taken it already...
Randomize
