I want to fuck you on the side of the bed tonight.
babe, don't say it like that!
I'm sorry, I want to penetrate you on the edge of our sleeping quarters this evening.
I woke up with a flask of whiskey and a mason jar full of sausage in my tux jacket. south georgia is where i belong
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
he was grinding on you and dedicated the song "I'm in Love With a Stripper" to you then started taking his own clothes off
Actually, considering the facts that I am wearing a duct tape dress and eating a gas station quesadilla, I am pretty good.
Got to the gym, getting changed, found a jello shot in my shoes.
He put oyster crackers in his ramen noodles. Is that a thing? Because holy shit I had never thought of it before and if it's not a thing he's my new stoner hero for discovering it.
It took years to build this empire of casual fuckings and not carings.
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
You're about wine.
Yes, I'm like 90% wine at the moment
Two things. 1) party at my house this Friday 2) what was the name of the Australian you fucked on the cruise ship?
We are actually the same person except with opposite genitalia, which are both incredible.
I don't know. I just have an affinity for nudity when I'm drunk.
How the hell am I supposed to tell that to a group of eight year olds?! It was three in the afternoon for fucks sake!
Vulcans are sexy now IT HAS BEEN WAY TOO LONG SINCE I'VE GOTTEN LAID
we went to the skate park then back to her house for dinner, and somehow that ended with her making me blueberry pancakes at 2am
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