You drew a self portrait of yourself on his wall with sharpie.
she said if she won the lottery she'd fuck me... isn't that like government funded prostitution?
she has a fucking refrigerator full of four loko and is charging 15 dollars a can.... she is like a mini donald trump
got so drunk i was kicked out of my own birthday party and tried taking a bottle of vodka with me
Ya, because touching his brother's face for 20 minutes in front of him wasn't bad enough, I also threw up in his garden and stole like 10 of his shirts before I left. But I fed his dog, so it's okay.
So I had sex in the woods today. Anything else that happened today? Irrelevant. It was a GOOD day.
What's more sad than going to Target to buy Plan B and the new Sam Smith album?
FUCK YOU AND YOUR WEAK ASS EYEBROWS
I may have unintentionally punched your cat twice but he's an asshole anyway.
Literally, and I mean LITERALLY as in "not to be confused with a casual hyperbole", LITERALLY the day we broke up she slept with 3 different guys that night.
1) It's nice to see that the whole "English Major" thing is upping the quality of your rants 2) Have you considered that your dick was the cork holding her sluttiness in?
I just shaved my pubes into a heart shape. if that doesn't scream romantic idk what does
Somehow I woke up next to the bouncer who kicked us out of the bar last night...
Dude, you need to come and get her. She's sitting on the bathroom floor making hearts with her menstrual blood. And remind me never to let her do jello shots again
I'm definitely drunk. At the gyno. On my birthday. Life is a joooooooke
What should I list for life skills
How about home wrecking? You’re excellent at that
Hmm...that is a life skill in Southern California
Randomize
