I may or may not have started my period at the bar. Good thing I have dark jeans on.
kyle and i were puking, simultaneously, off the front porch at 4 am, and in the middle of it he looks up, reaches his hand over, and says "knucks." And then I proceeded to fist bump him. By farrr the best time I've ever had puking.
I think I know how big ted kennedy's penis is.
I don't know what I should tell you tell you. I don't want to encourage you to dye my dog.
Its 11am, im in the city in a pocahontas outfit, lost a heel and found a gold rolex in my lingerie.
Not sure. We'll pass out on that bridge when we stumble to it.
If he's dead I'm so gonna get the blame. I have his passport, keys and his tooth in my purse.
Oh and I guess I added our cab driver on Facebook. He has "liked" every single one of my beach pictures. Kill me now.
I will no longer accept being cock blocked in my own bed.
I was going to make out with him...then he licked syrup off the kitchen floor.
Man. Apparently I blacked out between the 4th margarita and my air mattress. Asleep in my jeans at 10pm. Mom outdrank me again.
I baked a frozen pizza completely, put it back in the plastic and box, and put it back in the freezer. THAT drunk.
Fuck the library it's too quiet and makes me uneasy. I feel like I'm so isolated I should take off my pants or something
I'm sorry, but if I hear stories of you getting fingered in the ass, and selling weed, you are not coming to my party.
I should have robbed the cradle years ago. Turns out 21 year old boys can cum and still fuck me silly a minute later. My vagina feels like it just won a car from Oprah!
Randomize
