My mom says you aren't allowed to eat doritos at my house
I actually just cleaned easy glide lube off my desk. My life has gone way down hill since I met you.
You remember correctly you did get a golf cart ride out but it wasnt because you were special. You were so smashed you were screaming tiger at random golfers in the middle of there backswing.
Maybe if you date her you can take a dump on her
So they call this "a walk of shame" but fuck that...this walk is fantastic. What kind of debbie downer came up with that name?
I love online classes. Spent the last part of my lecture taking apart a teabag and filling it with weed.
there was a trail of blood coming out of one of the bathroom stalls. thought of you
they bet me shots that I couldn't give people piggyback rides around the club just cause I'm 125lbs and a girl...I had a line forming after the third guy.
I think I actually have rug burn on my eye.
Almost screamed "GO FISH MOTHER FUCKER" at the girl I nanny today. Drunken card games shouldn't bleed into my sober life.
They said I was more of a mess than the German. I have achieved the unachievable, you may bow down to me
I accidentally called my professor daddy...and I think he liked it. Help, I'm scared.
Who would you rather hang with tonight, drunk me or high me?
I just brought her a lipstick taser. So just remember that the next time you get smart with her
I guess when the asshole said “I really miss you and want to get back together” he actually meant “I’m banging a Hooters girl behind your back.”
I hope she gives him gonorhea
Randomize
