I just used my 2 drink stirrers as chopsticks to get a lime out of my drink. I really am Asian.
I convinced her san diego was a state. all the proof I needed was saying, why do they call it san diego state university?
i wish there was a holiday celebrated with pizza eating
i just saw that homeless guy who dresses like the cat in the hat at the liquor store. i guess he got enough change to have a good weekend. oh the places he'll go
I have six drafts of messages to you that just say "blood" and I have no idea where they came from.
It was the best present I've gotten since I was 5 and I got a fucking easy bake oven. I'm not pregnant for realsies. Celebratory party at the house tonight. Invite all the nice dicks you know.
So half of us were already throwing up outside when the Ukrainians ask us if we're ready to start partying yet. I love this country.
also Jesus you really need to change your diet. I just washed your baby gravy out of my hair and it's so acidic my hair is damaged. You have killer sperm
Let's be honest dude, you almost cried when I gave you a handy, you are not ready for a relationship, I knew this.
It's like we're in an emotionally distant three-way and there's not even sex to show for it.
I knew how high you were when you put a french fry in your mouth and said 'fuck, this tastes like meat but feels blue.'
they gave me money. the money smells like weed. also they gave me weed
Can you come over?
Sex??
Sure but there’s also a squirrel in my garage I need you to take care of.
Well when I woke up this morning I didn’t think I’d be masturbating to my own LinkedIn profile today but here we are
I’m looking forward to our Cougar years. These freshmen know how to fuck
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