What started out as a threesome has become me sitting here watching them have sex... Can I get a ride home?
I just spent an hour correcting all the grammar and spelling of all the 2pac songs on my ipod
the best part about watching a meteor shower at 4 am is being able to masturbate in public and drink hot chocolate at the same time.
I hate it when you make eye contact with someone bcs you are about to make fun of them and they take it as a hint to come hit on you.
just spent all of my last class as a college student, vomiting in the bathroom. its moments like these i will cherish
I wish I had a waterproof laptop so that I would watch porn in the shower.
I just saw a dude get out of an ambulance with nothing but wallabees on
I'm really tired of cleaning up my twitter the morning after
You bring the bicep workout. I'll bring the unscented gentle products. We'll both bring our penises.
I deleted his number so I had to go into my old voicemails which are saved through my gmail and search his name... Never underestimate the resourcefulness of a drunk girl on a mission for dick
I had to wash my hair with conditioner because my sister got hammered and gave the dog a 3am sprinkler bath with my shampoo.
This is how baked we were last night. Our drinking game: We stare at each other; first one to laugh drinks.
It's not a real holiday until someone pees on you. Did someone pee on you?
That's why you bone lesbian cage fighters and 45 year olds. To make life less boring.
Ran into my statistics professor at the bar, he chugged a car bomb and yelled "x bar mothfucker!". On average I'm loving this PhD program.
Randomize
