i've got a dick and you've got a pussy....what is the problem??
after taking her first shot and having her first random hook up she finally feels like she is ready for college
she has no idea
I was just on craigslist and saw and ad for a naked yoga instructor. I will no longer be jobless.
Some dude just came up to me and stroked my beard, smiled and left. Shave?
I want a grilled cheese and an IV
I've awoken at 3am again, in a night terror, just thinking about how big his dick was.
Mystery lines found in a Pyrex dish in the back of my pantry at 415 am. No recall as to it's origin. Unidentifiable taste. Obviously I'm doing them
The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason.
for the record, you never really realize how drunk you still are until you get on rollerskates...
We're having soft pretzels and cheese dip for dinner tonight. Like fucking adults.
It's that whole "half Japanese, half asshole" thing. My brother and I have found that people really go for that
The owner was showing me around and pointed at one of the bars and said "this is the one you're allowed to dance on. I could tell you wanted to ask." DREAM JOB.
He made her leave because she liked Top-Ramen better than Maruchaun. He's my hero.
I found your birth control, it was in your Crown Royal bag.
Oh my fucking god!! There is a barefoot white guy with a fucking ninja sword in the middle of the street next to the pride gas station swinging his sword at peoples cars!! He almost got me. 3 people swerved off the road and stopped. I told a cop.
Randomize
