in jail i did the beyonce ass shake for the police officers & called Sally from my collect phone in my cell & started singing "im in JAAAIL IM IN JAAAIL",
I just worked out and used handles of vodka as weights. Whoever said alcoholism is detrimental to you health obviously has no fucking idea.
I'm hoping he'll tell everyone how great in bed I am. Well, how great in bathroom floor I am.
You act like pregaming preseason hockey is a crime. Come on man, get fucked up and watch pucks. It rhymes so well it has to go together. DOS EQUIS Y DEVILS!
WHY ARE YOU SMOKING WEED WHEN YOU JUST HAD A STROKE. AND MORE IMPORTANTLY WHY ARE YOU DOING IT WITHOUT ME.
She just came home holding a fire hydrant. Yes a fire hydrant.
That birthday blow job you ordered came in the mail today. I suggest you hurry home.
Her next conquest seems to be stealing her ex-boyfriend's new girlfriend. Pretty sure everyone involved is totally OK with this.
And i'll likely end up sleeping in a bush wrapped up in my poncho
Well pulled into the driveway, and there she was. Kinda like a Vegas version of the mint on a pillow
Saw a girl outside my apartment shotgun a bud light, then a red bull, get in her Tahoe, and drive 4 people away. Gotta love thirsty Thursday.
Is it a problem if I'm trying to condition Goodbye Horses to trigger an erection?
Watching the awkward tinder date at the table next to mine is the most action I've had in months, so there's that.
slept at my ex’s house last night and as i was leaving his brother was sitting there on the sofa and said “bet you regret that one don’t ya”
He was shirtless in my yard saying he was jesus
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