shes wearing a jean skirt, its frayed. i got this
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
Is it rude if I ask the current tenets of our future apartment if I can come and blackout for a night? I want stupendously drunk me to get a feel for the place so he's comfortable when we move in.
Slutty costumes are my most sacred holiday tradition! Wearing a not-slutty costume is like putting cheezwiz on a communion wafer.
If for no other reason than to cuddle with that puppy, you have to hook up with him again.
Dropping the entire last roll of TP into the toilet is a hurt you don't want to know.
its ok, the prom king gave me his crown to puke in
You said something about how beautiful my pockets were, then walked away.
Yes talking about pockets is classic me.
I'm at a restaurant. I am NOT about to discuss my asshole over the phone.
It all started with sending him a text about Spongebob. It escalated from there.
I mean. I'm excited for the Seahawks too. I just love nachos.
I just projectile vomited into my kitchen sink. Today need to be over already.
you said you heard a baby, so i told you to go feed it. you came back 2 hours later with a pizza and when i asked you where the baby went you pointed to the pizza and puked.
The text I got from my boyfriend this morning: "babe, I'm not mad because I know you were drunk, but you kissed 3 guys last night and I wasn't one of them".
I'm a peeled potato compared to her. I'm a peeled potato compared to anyone. I'm a peeled potato.
Are you high?
Randomize
