I opened up her dishwasher and all I found was a spoon, a juice glass and all her sex toys.
I am one bad relationship away from having 30 cats.
dude stop sending me pictures of your dick in weird places. i get it. you rock out with your cock out.
i just remembered i chipped my tooth last night when i pulled up your pants zipper with my teeth
I almost had to get my pinky cut off. Wow I'm so happy. We won beer olympics so i didnt hahaha
i think he was starting go for a boob grab when we both realized the middle of a public tennis court wasn't the place
Sorry I can't go bowling with you guys. I'm getting daytime dick. That's the best kind.
She told me about it right after. She said she was scared I would be disappointed. And I was, but I pretended not to be. Which pretty much sums up our relationship.
i just want to be sober by dinner like is that too much to ask
Are you considering all the consequences of doing your boss or are you just rationalizing with your vagina?
Pants off. Spirits lifted.
Want to FaceTime and watch me finish this bagel?
I'm so lazy and tired i just want to cry and fall asleep in a bed of egg mcmuffins.
My heart feels like a grape in a barrel about to be crushed into wine
So I sent him a snap of me half naked holding a pie last night.
Randomize
