I swear that men would be more efficient if they had a semen gauge on their penises
I may or may not be drunk driving a golf cart. Vegaaaassssssss.
I wasted some perfectly good semen on her
I made friends with a raccoon. I pet it. Like I was Pocahontas.
I can hear her moaning. I'm on some random guy's counter. He wanted me to cuddle but I said I didn't know how.
merry christmas to all and to all I give the mystery rash.
Got drunk and passed out flintstone vitamins to everyone at the bar. I'm just so god damn motherly
I'm dressed as a caveman and drunk so that's not really an option
L'Shannah Tovah!
Whats that? My new stripper name?
Can you send me the pictures of me riding the penis
i can't even hate his new girlfriend cuz she survived a fucking brain tumor. like that's just not fair.
Why the fuck am I at this dorm meeting? I don't pay $50,000 a year to stay sober.
She drunkenly texted me about Japanese mythology at four AM. I think I’m in love.
i smell like vinegar and tequila i can feel the old people behind me judging
Your slutty phase was the highlight of my year.
Randomize
