you were crying and the really sympathetic homeless man offered you a sip of his whiskey. who was i to stop you?
i just unintentionally masturbated to my own facebook picture
i never told you how having a club foot got me laid
if my spotter knew I was listening to the Wicked soundtrack on my iPod, I wouldn't even be mad if he dropped the barbell on my throat
My lack of memory is directly related to being friends with you.
Don't smoke out front when you get home there's gasoline involved I'll tell you later
No he's great. He's trying to do "sexy stuff" for me now, which is pretty hilarious. He stirred my daiquiri with his penis last night. He also tied a bouquet of flowers around it.
If the ex isent in town and im crying under a table somewhere because of it can we go to a drag show or something
We were all day drunk by 2pm. Now I know why they hate Americans
So it was all good until she started grabbing my beard and telling me to "roar little lion"
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
Thank you for dog sitting, there is $60 on my desk to be spent on DRUGS AND/OR GAS ONLY not that food stuff people crave.
Idk why more people don't drink at work ... i mean, yeah, the cash might be off tonight, but my customer service is fucking phenomenal right now
I need to stop using "I went to the Harry Potter theme park" as my pickup line.
I just got out of a $280 speeding ticket by acting like The Big Lebowski. Seriously Jeff Bridges is the man.
Randomize
