i told my doctor i had 3 partners and one unprotected.. shes a cute little indian lady i couldnt break her heart
I'm just glad you're the only person I can have a "remember when we thought I was pregnant" conversation with.
You were riding my three year old's train yelling, 'I think I can, I think I can!!'
I thought I could.
If she has AMC, I may have to fuck her today. I want to catch up on the walking dead.
Talking to friends parents while buying all the things needed for Jell-O shots. classic
I WAS CONCIEVED IN THE BACK OF MY CAR. THATS HOW OLD THIS CAR IS.
...how and why.
PARENTS ARE MAGIC.
She kept calling herself DJ McDonalds and said she wanted to make some Egg McMusic.
I traded my pants for a Santa hat last night and it was so worth it.
we both turned hook ups into relationships we are crushing this thing called life right now.
I like to oil my gears with cheap vodka and strangers
I'm at a first year old's birthday party and a midget dressed as a cop just showed up. Word is we're going to toss and bowl with him. Updates to come.
I can't believe I'm coordinating a threesome at work. My productivity is at an all time low.
I just sucked dick on a ferry
I'm just imagining Oprah like "you're popping a boner, and you're popping a boner...EVERYONE IS POPPING A BONER"
I'm like a camel in the desert in a black hole I'm so thirsty.
Randomize
