Important detail I forgot to tell you: leprechaun loves david bowie.
lol earlier she was acting like a normal gf... and then BANG! shes touching herself again...
so, not only did she give him head while i was asleep next to them, apparently, it was bad head...
Are you serious?
yeah... as often as she does that, you'd think she'd be good at it...
he was shitfaced drunk and couldn't walk but could still recite the top 10 in order from the first season of american idol. impressive
I searched the house and found a small bottle of sherry which is probably as old as I am, has prob gone off and tastes like shit. I don't care any more. It has come to this.
Is it 3pm? Or am I losing my mind because it's pickled in vodka and diet coke?
so i guess now we know you can get away with peeing mere feet from the Capitol if you shout IM PREGNANT at the guards
I'm glad the semester is over. I need a break from the term "whiskey sharts" coming up so much in conversation.
i have to vacuum my washing machine now, asshole
He wants me to tell you "my boner misses you"
After that time I came to the conclusion that jeeps are the best cars to have sex in
The tamale guy is fucking with me, I wanna sleep in he wakes me up; early wake-n-bake and he's late and I'm hungry
why is there a shopping cart in my back seat? and a dick drawn on the side of my car?
i think you might have coined the term "slightly awkward pyromania"
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
