I would dunk an oreo in her breast milk
He was sucking on my finger.... and it was at that moment that I thought: Man. I wish I had a penis.
She was running around the bar, demanding everyone call her Jesus or else she would attack them like a llama. ack.
During sex she told me I could do anything I wanted to her. You remember that toy lightsaber we bought at Wal Mart?
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I just heard these 2 kids from flint and Detroit arguing over whose economy is worse... It's really sad what passes for competition in Michigan these days
Showing up at the grocery store at 5am to have the clerk sprint to the condom cabinet waiving the keys because you told him to hurry it was an emergency
high enough to want to lick peanut butter off of Michael Buble's vocal chords as he serenades me.
It felt like he was juggling my kidneys with the head of his penis... If you could even call it that, it was more like a lochness monster. Huge and mythical.
I had to make out with him. He bought me a few drinks and he was an Angels fan. As a Yankee fan that was my way of saying good game and sorry we beat the shit out of you
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id say I'm a pretty good fuck buddy, i didn't even booty call him on his girlfriends birthday
I got into a fight with the dude who fell asleep on my couch bc he wouldn't wake up but managed to get a lunch date set for thurs with another guy by the time he finally left. So how's your day so far?
Just found out I made out with the 40 year old Captain of the boat at the barge party. On the bright side he let me drive the boat so at least there's that.
He woke up & asked where his pants were then asked where he was then asked who I was. Been married 20 yrs. He was drunkest ever.
Mike's my new hero. There's a flagpole of hook-up's bras on his porch and a week's supply of beer in his fridge but he still has a great job.
I went to Walmart last night to buy some CDs--which is a sentence I never thought I'd say in 2016.
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