I can't get in trouble, i'm smoking a bong in the office right now
someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
Firetruck pulls up, fireman jumps out n knocks on my door, asks "do you know where Johnny lives?"
apparently when the FedEx truck drove by, we tried to chase it down thinking they were delievering a 30 pack...great night.
Frozen waffles and wine. Loneliness-party of one
Just spent 15 minutes trying to save the life of a fruit fly that dive-bombed my coffee. I figured it doesn't make sense to let two souls die in this place...
She made me take my shoes off outside her room but she didn't make me wear a condom. I am confused.
He turned off the music when i walked in and introduced me to everyone. then they gave me jager and made me chug it while holding a giant purple dildo. everything resumed when i finished
Dancing naked to Celine dion - im alive. No better way to start the day
You came out of your room naked under your open robe with a mouth full of brownie on a stick and grabbed a fistful of fruit loops and shoved them into your already full mouth.
He was so high he started playing Twister on the striped rug. Then when we missed midnight he went on a screaming rampage about his New Year's Eve being meaningless. How do you think it went?
I'm pretty sure our sex is better than most foods and that says a lot too bc I really like food
I'm a great relationship counselor. My vagina will let you know if your relationship is gonna work or not.
Maybe why that's why I'm perpetually single... I can't find a guy with bigger balls than mine.
I was mad at him...then I jerked off. Now I'm over it. Orgasms fix everything, I swear.
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