If Andre Agassi did Crystal Meth, what was John McEnroe doing?
just wokeup with my ethics textbook on my chest, animal crakers in my mouth and my dick in my hand. even aristotle doesn't have a theory for this one
It was like the titanic mixed with those sad puppy commercials mixed with jello shots
I filled two of the glass ornaments in my mom's bathroom last night with vodka. That way no one sees me drinking on Christmas. Alcoholic or genius? All I know it makes bathroom trips frequent and enjoyable.
You picked a jagger girl up claimed her then walked out the door with her that was the last we saw of you
Please God, is a penis possibly making it to vagina town to much to ask for tonight.
perfect. if all else fails remind him how anxious he is. talk real fast and induce a panic attack that only I can remedy with xanax.
You screamed "there will be blood" and punched some random guy in the face. So no, we can't go back to that bar.
I love birth control. How's that for a Facebook status on valentines day.
We ended up at an Asian frat. I made out with two Mexicans at the same time and I pulled a muscle in my leg from twerking too low. Diversity.
My dad just asked if I could bring snacks to jail this weekend. Like what does he think this is, some type of adult play date?
coughing up blood. I'm leaving for the doctor now. P.S. I just won $350 on the wheel of fortune machine in the casino.
I've had sex near too many of the blankets to let our parents touch them like this
NOT ALL OF US HAVE THE HANDS OF GODDAMN ANGELS YOU KNOW
She puked on the floor because she said she really liked to clean.
Randomize
