I'm literally partying with O.J. Simpson's son right now. I don't know what to make of this.
For her birthday she wants to, " try something different with our butts a funnel and a bottle of whiskey"
The bride and groom wore the Batman masks I brought. Best wedding ever.
I've had to much cheese to give a fuck about anything. im tired.
Can we please start going to the gym before I accidentally kill someone via explosive fat girl pants button accident
Lemme put it this way babe, at point you were naked in Target.
Where were you?
Laughing
If he doesn't give you the same feelings you get when the pizza guy arrives, he's probably not worth it.
Well, while we went through airport security, I found out Mom got her clit pierced, so there's that.
You know for a guy who frequently jumps into stuff without thinking it through, your can do spirit is lacking on this one
They said you went back in for 30 minutes and were walking with your arms out like an eagle soaring
I took an uber home at 6am. Went to Santanas, apparently they don't take american express. So the uber driver bought my burrito. Success!
You know it's really hard to draft fantasy football players in a crowded bar when I have a raging hard on
He told me I smelled like peanut butter, pepperoni, and pure unbrieldled passion.
Uhhh...I just found your 10 dollar bill in my bra. I owe you 10 dollars.
Is it too forward if I ask him to bring a condom when he comes over to work on our project?
Randomize
