He came through my line today and bought designer impostor perfume, just for men gel, and astroglide. I almost DIED.
mimosa in my stainless steel water bottle. going green is not that bad.
She started licking your face, then you turned to me and said "I guess thats my cue", and you proceeded to hook up with her.
this is you don't wonder off at 3 am with no pants on. Just stay there and pray to god you don't get arrested for being on school property.
I think its safe to assume that the 40yr old undergraduate with purple and pink in her hair and a tattoo of the eiffel tower above her ass crack has never actually been to Paris...
she tried to deny peeing on the floor last night. she said she wouldn't make it to the bathroom only to pee on the floor
oh but she would
My cab driver just started a conversation with "Three years ago I pleaded guilty..." Check on me later tonight please.
Chang gave me a 1.5 gallon beer tasting cup, i have a new boyfriend with a huge stick, Members of the Irish Rugby team slapped my ass and cheered for firmness, and a couple of strangers are naming the child after me. Best. Weekend.Ever.
We got drunk and crashed a fifty year old woman's birthday party for the food. Whoops.
Trust me, dating 38 and 20 year old dudes at the same time is the best. Money plus all of the sex. Finally figured out this relationship thing.
So apparently my mom hired someone who goes by "DJ Dog Dick" for the family christmas party?
He flipped me around so that we could have sex and both watch Die Hard... I think I found my sole mate. Merry Christmas to me!!🎄
I'll just say I told you so at your funeral
Pretty penis doesn't make up for awkward eye contact.
i know were having a "heart to heart" right now, but does it make you feel uncomfortable that im sexting someone right now?
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