Yes give me all the cream and he's gone
have you ever been in a public bathroom and someone walked in, and you played "Fat or Crying" based on her breathing?
What happened last night?
You soiled yourself again and told everybody that you'd given birth.
you assured me you'd make it home safe because your pizza rolls were waiting up for you.
he doesnt exactly give off the "im mature enough to use my penis" vibe
I call it my summer of slut; except summer lasts from May until December. It's been incredibly successful
I'm confused about why you felt the need to ask me to buy you life alert for christmas at 3:28 this morning.
He was sitting at the table eating ice and said, "I'm pretty sure everyone in my family has nipples."
Omg this is like trying to sleep on a pile of ballsacks.
Omphalophobia is a real thing. don't ever fucking touch my belly button again dude
I gave him a BJ and he left. Coincidentally that's the name of my memoir.
Obviously last night's theme was "Let's Make Bad Life Choices"
chicken nuggets make me a bit homicidal
it's like he didn't even know what a vagina was
Now I’m honestly wondering if I took this kids virginity
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