I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
lady crackhead wearing pjs and a santa hat brushed the snow off my car at 7am saying "free of charge" the whole time
I just spent all my babysitting money on red cups and beer.
People still let you watch their kids?
His drunken night ended with a "car accident" which really meant he was stuck in a toy car and pushed down the steps.
He wears a hat. All the time. Even during sex. And I'm okay with that.
At what point during this road trip should I let them know I've been drinking in the backseat the whole time and can't take my turn driving?
Your friend, the one I told I would brush his teeth with my tongue, what's his name again?
i'm pretty sure i can feel a baby kicking just looking at him. if he didnt impregnate you, you officially have an iron-clad uterus.
Some days you just pee in a stairwell and go home.
I don't fucking know. He perched his parrot on his dick. I left after that.
I invited him to my hotel room via snapchat. I'm one hell of a classy bitch
Not gonna lie I just got drunk and started doing applications because I know I'm going into work tomorrow still drunk
We are no longer allowed to make spur of the moment decisions about our love lives
ABSOLUTELY NOT
You go to class with the flu but don't go when it rains... Get your shit together
At 3:00am my whole house started smelling like cooking meat. I have no idea why she thought it was a good idea to crock-pot a WHOLE turkey that early in the morning.
Randomize
