I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
This morning when you woke up you looked like one of the Wii Bowling people. I think it was the eyebrows combined with the sambuca
Hotel room at 3 am. She's 42. Stockings and heels. All because I opened with a joke about cougar hunting. We'll high-five later.
Nothing is worse than puking naked in front of strangers
my brother wants to know why there are wet balloons in his bed and i think you forgot to throw the condoms away but im too hungover to check if thats what hes talking about
I love Japanese schoolgirls with short skirts riding bikes on windy days.
You're never coming back, are you?
I made friends with a raccoon. I pet it. Like I was Pocahontas.
The djing cat is back again. I think he just makes appearances when im shit drunk just to fuck with my mind.
I'm a little nervous about this St. Patty's Day party. Seriously, we're still finding stuff from the Halloween party.
yolo... Doesn't that stand for 'shut the fuck up'?
I LOVE YOU SO MUCH I'M ON A WILD DICK CHASE FOR YOU. How many lesbians do YOU know that would do that? HOW MANY????
I think the Predator is hunting me in my house. If I don't text you later, send Danny Glover. I love you all.
I started the day with dreams of getting laid and ended it with the reality of eating Taco Bell in my bed with my dog.
We were covered in sweat and glitter, making out onstage, in front of everyone. I think it was a good night.
We found you in the bathroom at 1AM throwing money into the toilet making wishes. That drunk.
.... Seriously?
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